My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
