just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
