Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
