I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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