She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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