It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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