I accidentally had phone sex last night
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
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