Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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