How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
