I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
