The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
