He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
