After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
