Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He passed out mid-signature
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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