I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I will be naked everywhere
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
