I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
