I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
