all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
