Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
