in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
How many fucks given?
0.12846
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
