I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
