The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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