We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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