I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
my being single is dangerous.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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