And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
