I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I have tasted many bathrooms
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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