is your mom at the bar?
they need to just BURY HIM!
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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