how can u be prego again
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
