No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
