He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
