onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
