I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
