if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
