It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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