I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
50% drunk capacity currently
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
