were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
