Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
even my farts smell like vagina
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
