Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I AM VODKA MAN
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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