I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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