I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
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My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
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I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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