Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
