I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Did I show you my penis last night?
We are two peas in an std pod
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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