Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
