dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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