i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
