he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
