i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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