I can text with my tongue
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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