the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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