Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
