i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Randomize
