you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
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That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
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I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!