I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.