No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
