there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?