I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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