Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
