Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
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