alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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