So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
